Letter to my sister
Living abroad also means that you are missing out on much of the life of your loved ones. That also brings with feelings of helplessness. Distance can make you feel unable to help the other. People think that you have a fantastic life abroad: beautiful country, warm climate and all new adventures. Don’t they know that you too are struggling with difficult questions about loneliness and fears?
I am sorry me to hear you sound so sad. It’s at these times that I am confronted with the fact that I’m so far away. I can literally feel now how big the distance is. I would love to be there for you even though your grief would still be the same.
I’m not exactly sure what’s making you feel bad, but you sound like you are carrying everything alone; the loneliness must feel heavy on your shoulders. Perhaps I will not comfort you to say that the loneliness will always be there (I think). It is an art to be able to cope. You are capable of that at times and then you are overcome by a darkness again. Life is like a roller coaster. Perhaps we should not deny that a roller coaster has to descend; it helps us reach the top again. It’s probably of little comfort but I just want to say to you that I know how you can radiate and laugh, even if it seems distant at the moment. You have an energy and lust for life that will not extinguish.
I know the feeling of loneliness all too well, even though I’m not alone here but with my love. There are times when I’m ‘in a world of my own‘, engrossed in my thoughts that are all over the place. Sometimes I wake up feeling sad; a feeling from a dream that sticks. It can take a whole day before I lose that feeling. I can’t reason with it by saying “it was just a dream”. I am not the best company for the rest of that day. It is what it is and I don’t try to fight it.
What I am trying to say is, that if we can accept that the sadness, loneliness or emptiness is there, it might be more bearable. It doesn’t have to defeat us, we don’t have to be affected by it. It’s just there, and it’s okay. We suffer from our own ideals, how we judge ourselves and the fear of what others think of us. Maybe it would be better if we let go of those ideals.
I get tears in my eyes when I think of you and wish I could take away your grief. I don’t know if these words will make a difference, maybe you don’t even have the concentration to read it all. I’m going to the temple here tomorrow to think of you in silence. I will throw a bottle into the ocean with a wish in it. I will let a hot air balloon rise up with a candle in it. I’ll give you a little kiss on your nose and whisper a little poem in your ear.
Big hugs, dream big XxXxX
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